Ugly Crying at Michael's, or How God Made Me Listen

I haven't written in ages, so grab a cup of coffee because this is a long one!

Let me tell you about this morning…

So, I woke up to Jude fussing at 5:55am. Toddlers, right? No respect for my late night Netflix watching. It was dark outside, I hadn’t been able to fall asleep until around midnight, and after a few fitful hours of sleep I was being awoken by an upset two year old. My head started pounding. I was already thinking, “I can get through this day” and it had only just started.

A few hours later, I started my daily struggle with Hazel over obedience and lying. It wasn’t even 9am and I was absolutely at my breaking point. In fact, I broke. Something snapped, the building caved in, I yelled, I cried, I BEGGED them to just be good, just stop lying, just obey our rules, please please please. Stop making things so hard for me, stop making every single thing in my life a struggle.

Because that is how I have been feeling lately. That Every Single Thing, everything, is hard. Making a meal, doing laundry, getting people dressed, doing art, writing an email, making a phone call, preparing for church, taking care of animals, getting out the door, saving money, fixing things, having patience with my kids, getting anything accomplished…HARD. I feel like every day I am walking up a mountain and my kids are on top of me and pulling at me and crying at me, and it’s raining and the ground is slippery, and I’m dragging a house and jobs and responsibilities up the muddy slope and the only one with me is…me. I’m doing it all alone. Chad is on the other side of the mountain dragging his own responsibilities, his own jobs, and house repairs, and ideas for church that he doesn’t have time to finish, a car that only barely works, school loans…you get the idea.

But you know the hard part? God gave us all of this. Chad’s regular job, his job at our church, our home, our children, my art, my job at the church (I'm the children's director)…it’s all good. It’s all SO good, and I love every piece. But each piece piled on top of us is starting to crush us, and I am feeling the effects physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Can the weight of so many wonderful gifts make them burdens?

And so this morning, I broke under it all. Just the simple, everyday act of a 4-year-old's defiance brought me to a scarily low place. Satan expertly used every good thing to crush me, and I let him because I was just too tired to fight.

As soon as I dropped the kids off at preschool, I got onto Facebook to ask someone advice for what to do for stress, and I saw a post on my wall from a girl I barely know. She’s is an old acquaintance from church when I was a kid, and just read what she had to say to me:

“I know your day faces challenges, but even through your posts, you overcome them. Be encouraged today God is opening up some amazing doors for you and Chad. Your faithfulness even through the tight places has been a witness even to your family and incredible breakthrough is right around the corner!”

I had told no one about my tough day, or what I’ve been going through lately. I didn’t tell her how everything in my spiritual and emotional cup was gone and how I was starting to feel like a marathoner runner whose been running for way too long and can’t find the finish line. I haven’t even been talking to her at all, but her heart is so close to God’s that He used her to speak to me.

This was minutes, MINUTES after I felt totally, utterly crushed and abandoned.

So I drove away to start my errands, crying, feeling…I don’t even know what. Noticed by God? That she had somehow opened a door between me and God to start a serious conversation about what’s been going on, and how He gave me too many responsibilities, but that I know He appointed them for me, and how I need serious help and encouragement and…hope.

And I said to Him, “It’s TOO MUCH. I know that it is all good, but I need help! I shouldn’t be doing this all on my own! Why did you trust me with this? DIDN’T YOU KNOW I WOULD FAIL?”

And He didn’t really say anything. I didn’t give Him much of a chance really, I was just sort of spewing out my feelings and by the time I was done I was parked in front of Michael's and instead of sitting in the car like I should have and listening to Him, or being still for a minute, I just got out of the car and pretended like I hadn’t just been crying for 15 minutes straight and walked in to Michael’s to forget about everything for a while.

Ha! God probably laughed at that.

About twenty minutes into my attempt to numb my mind, I passed by a group of three people (my age, two guys and a girl) and one of them smiled at me. No big deal. A few minutes later I passed by them again. They came up to me, and the girl started a conversation. It went sort of like this:

Her: Hi! We’re on a sort of scavenger hunt for God this morning, and we feel like God wants us to pray for you.

Me: (instant awkward ugly crying face) (can’t talk, too emotional) “….Um, Hi.”

So right there in the middle of Michael’s, these amazing people prayed for me. I told them about how Chad and I are involved in a church plant, and how much work we’re doing all of the time, and how we need God to sustain us because we’re doing a terrible job of that on our own, and how I’ve started to feel like my life is just going to be this long series of hard days of scraping together, of struggling all of the time. A tough tough tough life forever and ever with only tiny bits of rest and peace and hope.

And friend, just read what they spoke over me:

“There are so many blessings in small beginnings, and every big thing starts small. I pray that Andrea would not be discouraged but excited by the amazing things that You are going to do because of her obedience.”

“I pray that her children would feel such love, such security, even though mom and dad are busy. That they would know how much they are loved, how special they are.”

“Andrea, you are His treasure. He sees you, He delights in you, He loves you so much.”

“God, I pray for hope for her, that she would be able to feel Your hope and your sustaining love, every day.”

“I pray that you would reveal part of the painting of her life to her, so that she could see just enough and rest.”

I hadn't told them I felt hopeless, or like I’m a bad mother, or that I’m so fearful that all of my work is going to amount to nothing. Here are three people I don’t know, four including the facebook friend who sent me a message this morning, praying through each one of my fears and doubts. And this was twenty minutes after I cried out to Him, “I feel so alone!” And God was like, "Nope. And I'm going to prove it."

He keeps pursuing me. Sometimes I want to turn around and say, “Why ME? Can’t you find someone else to do your work, to do all of this, someone who is more competent and more spiritual and more everything good and wonderful that I’m not?”

And then He sends me encouragement from a stranger, because He knew it would make me listen.

If all of that wasn’t enough, this Steven Curtis Chapman song was on the radio when I got in the car:

‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

What I needed to hear was the hope part: that there is more to come. Where I am now isn't where I'll be forever. It isn't so much knowing that I can only see one part of the tapestry, the painting of my life and that someday I'll see it all. It's knowing that the painting is beautiful, in spite of me. 

But this message isn’t just for me. He knows that I’m a talker and a sharer and that I couldn’t possibly keep this in. I started writing this blog post as soon as I got home, because this is what we all need to hear from time to time.

You are not alone. God’s family, which is your family, is so big that there are people praying for you that you haven’t even met. There is a web of love and support and power and prayer all around you.

He sees you. He loves you. He is pursuing you. He won't stop.

You are His Treasure. 

It’s not over. It’s still unfolding. Hang on to His promises.

God has called you to something. It might be hard, an uphill battle. He doesn’t make things easy, He just sustains us through the tough stuff. He supplies our every need, and that includes hope, endurance, encouragement, and rest. 

Andrea