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Friday, May 1, 2015

Dear Momma dealing with infertility: I think of you


This has been on my heart lately and though I am terrified of sticking my foot in my mouth, I wanted to write this. 


When I am sitting in the doctor’s office with my obvious pregnant belly, and someone is sitting beside me without one, I think of you.

When I think about posting online about how the baby is moving so much today or other updates on my pregnancy, I think of you.

Before I say things like, “It was an accident!” or “No matter what we do it keeps happening!” I think of you.
I have no idea how many tests you had, how much money you spent, how much pain and disappointment you have been through. You don’t talk about it with me. And maybe that is wise, because I cannot relate. But I have tried to learn how to be better.

I don’t ask you anymore “Are you and your spouse hoping to have children one day?” because you may already be trying. You may be in the throes of disappointment. I realize now that this whole thing is not something I can take for granted.

I don’t ask if you are going to have more, because I don’t know what you went through to have the child or children that you have. For you it might have been a bit like climbing Mt Everest, and once you reach the top you have to think seriously about doing that all over again.

I don’t like the divide that I feel exists between us. I want to be your friend and to walk beside you through your journey. But I know that just seeing me with one life inside and three on the outside might be too much. And that’s okay. That is really, really okay. So I think of you.

In my heart I feel that whether you have been able to have children, have had miscarriages, or are still waiting to see two lines on those pregnancy tests, we share something. We share motherhood. Does it look different? Maybe. Did it come about in different ways? Probably, but there is a spirit in me and a spirit in you that is kindred.

You are a Mother. Whether you have conceived or not, whether you have lost, whether you have had your own or adopted or fostered. You are a Mother. Your spirit, the way you are working so hard for what you want, the way you serve and love the people around you, that deep longing in your heart that you cannot wish away, that makes you a Mother. And that piece of you and that piece of me is the same.

20131216-192629.jpgI have not walked in your shoes, but I think of you. I think of you so much.

And I am sorry for any hurt that I caused you. I didn't know then, but now I am trying so hard to be better. 

Andrea