Must. Stop. Buying. Presents. Formykids.

 

Graph of Christmas excitement

A few years before I started my parenting journey, my sister had a sweet little girl named Lucy (who is now 5). At Christmas my sister would send out a really long, detailed Christmas list for Lucy to the family, with online links to specific toys. My sister has always been more into the traditions of Christmas than the gifts, so I was always a little surprised by the lists that came out every year. During this same time I was seeing parents on black Friday getting to stores at 5am (these were the days before that madness creeped into Thanksgiving) to buy the hottest toys for their kids, waiting in lines a mile long with a dedication that I just didn’t understand. I saw parents, parents that I knew, spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on their kids for Christmas.

At the time I didn’t really know what the deal was, but maybe that these people were getting caught up in what they saw around them and assumed was normal. But I was so wrong. Because, do you know what I think the root of it is?

Love.

Seriously, I believe that.

I will admit that as humans sometimes our efforts at showing love are a little misguided. And sometimes love makes people crazy and do weird things. Well folks, this is one of those things. My sister’s Christmas list for Lucy wasn’t about anything but seeing Lucy’s face light up on Christmas morning, because a parent gets so much joy in delighting their children. It was about having just the right thing under the tree, the thing that Lucy would hold and play with and know, without any doubt, that the person who gave it to her loves her very much. Most of the parents who go a little crazy buying toys for their kids are doing it because they love the heck out of those little people. Love them so much that they want to get them the best gift they can, the very very best.

You know, sometimes parents feel like we are failing our kids. A lot of the time we don’t know what we’re doing and sometimes we worry that our kids are suffering because of it. But a gift can say “I know you and I love you, and I may mess up a lot…but I NAILED it for Christmas, am I right?!” For some of us, it’s a chance to show our kids in a tangible way that they are the most important things in our lives and that we love them more than our words or our hugs can say. How much do I love you? I love you (NEW BIKE) much! I love you (RAPUNZEL DRESS) much! I love you (TRAMPOLINE) much!

It’s not necessary. And we know it. We could give our kids nothing for Christmas and we could still show them in a million other ways that we love them. Love does not equal stuff, but don’t you feel special when a friend gives you just the right little gift? Doesn’t it make you feel known and loved? That is the best feeling. That you are known, known so well, and even though that person knows your faults and failings they still love you so much. A gift can say, hey I accept you. Totally. And it makes me happy to make you happy.

Chad lost his job right before Jude was born, and I was in the middle of gathering things for the new baby. Pretty much every single baby item I owned was pink and covered in flowers, so we wanted to buy a few things for the boy that was headed our way. I felt so helpless, in the midst of the loss of a job and an income and about to have a baby. Babies cost money, people. So I was trying my best to find things either cheaply or for free, meanwhile the nesting instincts were flowing strong in my veins. I was stressing out.

Not much later I got an email from an old friend, offering me a few of her cloth diapers. Not only were they the exact brand I wanted, but they were in the right sizes and colors. God was saying to me: I love you (NEW DIAPERS) much! A few weeks earlier we had found a practically brand new infant car seat and base by a dumpster. A great, safe brand that seemed like it had been in a babysitter’s car and had been used maybe once. God again: I love you (NEW CAR SEAT) much! He did this again and again for me: a rocking chair, a baby sling, a crib, a crib bumper, buckets of clothes, and so much more. I did not ask for any of it, it just came to me. The blessings continued after Jude was born, and for all of this past year (which was a tough one). I felt known and loved. So loved. He was telling me that even though my life was crumbling apart around me, I care about you. I, the God of the Universe, love you (FREE TRIP) much! I love you (NEW COAT) much! I love you (SHOES FOR YOUR KIDS) much!

Those gifts, even though they were just small things, were huge to me. They were a way that I could see with my eyes that my God loves me and that the people around me love me. I could feel it with my hands. My heart was so hurt that I was having trouble feeling God’s love there, so He made it so that I could feel it in other ways. Simple ways that said I care. They care. We all care.  

I know that God gets GREAT joy from blessing us, providing for us, and giving us gifts. Just like parents get so excited about Christmas, because they get to shower their children with presents. Is it any wonder that we delight in the giving? That sometimes we go a little crazy about it? That we have a harder time falling asleep on Christmas Eve than our kids do? The excitement that we feel, the deep joy that we get from giving gifts to our kids is a hint, a taste of the joy that God gets from giving to us. I think that one of the greatest lessons from being a parent is that God loves us more than we love our kids. That idea blows my mind.

So, yes, sometimes parents go overboard on Christmas. We might spend too much money or get lost in the madness of Christmas shopping. We might seem like we just want, want, want. And maybe sometimes we do need a reality check, and to be reminded that presents aren’t the only part of what makes Christmas so special. I know plenty of parents who buy their kids very little for Christmas, and I am so impressed by them. I honestly wish I could be more like that. But for people like me who have to reign themselves in all day every day or they would buy every single Tangled-related item for their two three year old girls? Well, I hope you can see my craziness and not judge it. Because truly, it’s all in an effort to make a deep, beautiful love a little more visible.

A Reflection on Breakfast

The clock strikes mid-morning

The beast rises within your bowels

A beast of old coffee and digestion

Screaming its demands and wrenching your gut

The beast, named Hunger, has suddenly, surprisingly

Taken control of your body

And so you hunt, to quiet it

 

Turning corners, reaching the kitchen

You pause lightly, eyes scanning for sustenance

Coming to rest on the remains of the a.m. feast

Waffles, carefully cut

Sitting forgotten in haphazard piles on tiny plates

Floating in stagnant pools of maple syrup

(Grade B)

 

You take the plates, intent only on cleaning up

Drawing your will power to the surface, to abstain

To wait for a healthier meal

Perhaps I’ll make a salad, your brain thinks

A decoy thought, a distraction

As your fingers have already begun to bring the food

(Sweet, cold, dense morsels) to your lips

“Leggo the eggo” you think, with half a heart

Since you are almost done

 

Thirteen seconds, three plates cleared

The beast is fulfilled

And you, you are

A parent.

For the first-time, first-year mamas: A little bit of truth

None of your mom friends wanted to tell you the hard truth about the first year while you were pregnant. You were so adorable and full of optimism and ideals that we just couldn’t bring ourselves to even begin to warn you about what you had ahead. Plus, we know that you wouldn’t be able to understand what we were talking about until you lived it yourself, so why even try? It also would be sort of mean: Oh, you’re a month away from your due date! Well, let me tell you how much this is going to suck. Plus, maybe your story would be different. Maybe you would be one of the lucky ones and your baby would sleep and eat like a charm, and not be a crier. Those babies exist (I think), but usually they aren’t the firstborn it seems, and we don’t really believe those stories anyway.

But now, it’s time for some truth. Bad days happen and when they happen, you may feel bad about how you feel. Well, don’t worry. We’ve all been there before.

The goal of writing this is so you know that we know how you feel. Sometimes it’s hard to say these things out loud, but they are just truths. We know you don’t want to complain, but we won’t judge you if you do. So, have some peace in knowing that you aren’t alone. You never have been.

Also, this list is compiled from my experience of my first year at home, and I had twins. My life was CRAZY sometimes, and you may not be able to relate to any of this. Your baby may be perfect and calm and awesome and take long naps and eat well and be happy to play by itself and love tummy time. If so, knock on every wooden surface you can find and pray prayers of thanksgiving to Jesus and say a dozen Hail Marys, and throw in a rain dance or something for good measure.

1. “OH MY GOD THIS IS HARD. Just kidding, it’s easy! NEVER MIND, IT’S HARD AGAIN SAVE ME!!!!!!!!”- Has there ever been a roller coaster ride like mothering a baby for the first time? One day everything is smiles and coos and perfect feedings and naps, and you. are. the best mom ever. You know it in your bones, “I was MADE for this. I knew I would be awesome!” And then the next day the poop hits the fan (hopefully not literally) and you sink into a hole of self-doubt and ask yourself some scary questions, like “Why did we do this?” “Maybe I should have chosen adoption” “How did I think I was cut out for this?” But then, the next day you’re back on top of the world. Or, rather, the laundry pile. This all just comes with the territory.

2. Your temper may scare you- You think you’re chill and under control? Have a baby or two, and you’ll learn A LOT about how you really handle stress. You might yell or scream or throw stuff (hopefully not your baby, and hopefully nothing at your baby) and think where did this rage come from? How am I so out of control? Patience in not a gift, nor is something you just pick up and put on like your favorite sweatshirt with baby spit-up on the shoulder. Patience is an art form. Patience requires careful practice, determination to not quit when you mess up, and a realization that you will get better at it over time. First year art students don’t expect themselves to be creating masterpieces right away, they know that they have a lot of practicing to do to get there. So do you with your patience. I’m assuming we’re going to need all of this practice for the teenage years.

3. Sometimes, you may just want it all to stop- I remember thinking, a whole bunch of times, that I wanted time to stop around me for a day or two. I wanted to be able to sleep, or read a book, or just let my stress drip away slowly rather than having to conquer it and I didn’t want to have to arrange for a babysitter to do this. Because then there would be bottles to prepare and a schedule to write out and money to exchange hands and worry to consume my mind the whole time I was gone. I needed a break from the noise, the thinking ahead, the being “on” all of the time, the 45 second showers during naptime, and the crying. OH, the crying. I had two babies at once so I got an extra special dose of baby tears during my first year, but still, nothing puts a mom over the edge like crying. Is it just me or can a dad more easily say to himself: this is just an annoying noise that at some point will stop. But it seems like a mom is more likely to go through this:

- Oh NO! Baby is crying! Something is wrong!

- I checked everything, and nothing seems wrong! It’s something secret that I can’t figure out!

- I’m terrible! Why can’t I stop this! Why am I not good enough for you? I’m a  faiiiiiluuuuuuuure!!!! (she may or may not start crying along with baby at this point)

- Dear Jesus, I will do pretty much anything in exchange for the baby to stop crying. I’ll stop eating donuts and watching reality tv and WHATEVER YOU WANT

And eventually you may get to this point:

- All right kid. You’re gonna need to stop that right now. SOMEONE FIND ME THE PACIFIER ALREADY.

4- You will discover that mama love for her baby…hurts- It hurts because you weep for joy over that little face, and you weep for sorrow that one day it will leave you. You weep because you can’t believe this blessing is yours. You weep for the mamas who lose their babies. You weep for the babies who lose their mamas. You weep over the smiles that you know are meant just for you. You weep because you are their everything. You weep because sometimes, they are your everything. You weep when you watch CSI and there was a baby or child in danger. Your heart sometimes wants to explode with love at the weirdest moments, like when they’re just sitting in your lap and you feel their downy hair on your cheek. It’s all lovely and painful and you realize that you will never, ever look at the world (or yourself) in the same way. You are broken now, because you know that you would do anything, at any moment, for that baby. You have a weakness, an Achilles heal if you will. You would kill for that baby. And, without question, you would die for it.

5- You sometimes feel all alone- No one can feel what you feel, no one can understand how frustrating your day was (unless they are a mama going through exactly what you’re going through right now). Because just like childbirth, it’s easy to forget how hard the first year was. As soon as you try to put into words what you’re dealing with you realize it doesn’t sound hard at all. So the baby skipped his nap, so what? To your mom or your partner it just doesn’t sound like a big deal, but they can understand that it must have been a little frustrating. But to you, this may have been what you were looking forward to for HOURS to climb back from the edge of sanity. You needed it so much, and without a little break you may just completely lose it. You may have been planning on showering for the first time in days, or sitting down and responding to some emails (finally!), or just closing your eyes and laying on your couch in quiet, and letting that quiet travel through your bones and calm your nerves and remind you who you are. You are a mama who loves her baby so much, you are you, not a crazy person who minutes before may have briefly considered jumping in the car and running away from this crazy day.

But, hey, here’s Truth #6- You are a person doing an INCREDIBLY important thing.

And an incredibly difficult thing, at times.

And all of us mamas who were recently in your shoes, we applaud you. We know what you’re going through, and we are proud of you. Sometimes you can’t believe how awesome life is and lucky you are, and sometimes you can hardly put one foot in front of the other to trudge on until bedtime. Even though our kids may be older than yours and life is easier in a lot of ways, we still sometimes feel that way. All of us, working moms and stay at home moms, (and dads too!) we are just all working so hard to raise happy, lovely little people to grow up to bless each other and to create a world more full of love and joy. So, go us J