This has been on my heart lately and though I am terrified of sticking my foot in my mouth, I wanted to write this.
When I am sitting in the doctor’s office with my obvious
pregnant belly, and someone is sitting beside me without one, I think of you.
When I think about posting online about how the baby is
moving so much today or other updates on my pregnancy, I think of you.
Before I say things like, “It was an accident!” or “No
matter what we do it keeps happening!” I think of you.
I have no idea how many tests you had, how much money you
spent, how much pain and disappointment you have been through. You don’t talk
about it with me. And maybe that is wise, because I cannot relate. But I have tried
to learn how to be better.
I don’t ask you anymore “Are you and your spouse hoping to
have children one day?” because you may already be trying. You may be in the
throes of disappointment. I realize now that this whole thing is not something
I can take for granted.
I don’t ask if you are going to have more, because I don’t
know what you went through to have the child or children that you have. For you
it might have been a bit like climbing Mt Everest, and once you reach the top
you have to think seriously about doing that all over again.
I don’t like the divide that I feel exists between us. I
want to be your friend and to walk beside you through your journey. But I know
that just seeing me with one life inside and three on the outside might be too
much. And that’s okay. That is really, really okay. So I think of you.
In my heart I feel that whether you have been able to have children, have
had miscarriages, or are still waiting to see two lines on those pregnancy
tests, we share something. We share motherhood. Does it look different? Maybe.
Did it come about in different ways? Probably, but there is a spirit in me and
a spirit in you that is kindred.
You are a Mother. Whether you have conceived or not, whether
you have lost, whether you have had your own or adopted or fostered. You are a
Mother. Your spirit, the way you are working so hard for what you want, the way
you serve and love the people around you, that deep longing in your heart that
you cannot wish away, that makes you a Mother. And that piece of you and that
piece of me is the same.
I have not walked in your shoes, but I think of you. I think
of you so much.
And I am sorry for any hurt that I caused you. I didn't know then, but now I am trying so hard to be better.
Andrea
