I haven’t written anything in a long time. Part of it was
because I was surviving my first trimester of pregnancy, which was awful, and
surviving the winter which is always hard for me. The other reason is because I
guess I felt that the blogging world was so flooded with ideas and opinions
that nothing felt fresh, and what could I contribute?
But every season has an end, and here is my meager
contribution to this world of ideas.
I have noticed a disturbing
trend in our culture but particularly in the world of blogging and internet
comments (why, why, why does every website need a comments section?). It is a
propensity to be easily offended, and to write about it. Ever since people of
my generation were young we have been hearing about this, just in different
ways: people are offended by a cross on the wall in a courtroom, or by a sign
saying “Merry Christmas” in a grocery store, or by language that some are using
to describe their race or group. And though this “PC” generation has learned a
lot about how to treat each other, what words to use and not to use, it seems
like we may have taken this chance to educate and turned it into an opportunity
to be offended.
Take this for example: how many articles have you seen that
are called something like this- “Ten Things To Never Say To A Pregnant Lady” or
“What NOT To Say To A Mom of Twins”. The article then lists the things that
people have said to the author that they categorized as offensive. Then, if you
dare to read the comments, people add more and more things that offended them
to this list. Or simply say, “Yes! I HATE that!” These articles exist now in
regards to many races of people, every type of sexuality, every unique family
situation (“What not to say to parents with one child” “What not to say to
parents with two children”), and every person who is seen as “not the norm”: a
person with curly hair, a redhead, a person with a missing limb, an otherwise
handicapped person, a parent of a handicapped person, etc. Now, here is what is
not wrong with this idea: education. The internet is a valuable tool in that we
can reach people that we would not ordinarily be able to reach in order to
teach them how to better communicate and respect others. Some of these articles
are very thoughtful with the goal being something like: I know that my situation is unique and unusual, and I know that when
you are talking to me/helping me/etc. you are trying to be kind, but you are
unintentionally hurting my situation instead of helping. Here are some easy
tools for you to be a better helper, if that is your goal. Knowledge is
power, and if I can learn about someone better so that I can help or love them
more effectively, then bring it on.
Others of these articles seem to be simply a re-hash of all
of the things that have been said to someone that for one reason or another
they just didn’t like. They are giving you a list of their opinions, their
interpretations, and their judgements of things that were said or done to them
by people who they mostly don’t know anything about. Maybe that person rubbed
your pregnant belly because in their community that simple act is an
acknowledgement of something beautiful that is happening inside of you. What
they saw as kindness and encouragement, you choose to see as someone blatantly
ignoring your silent rules. And so, you see it as a threat. But it isn’t, it’s
simply a lack of understanding.
Sometimes, people are ignorant of “the rules”. They didn’t
read that blog post, maybe they don’t have the internet, and maybe they don’t
encounter people like you or families like yours very often and they just say
whatever they think. My brother and sister-in-law have ten kids, and I asked
her once what is the most annoying thing people have said to her. She had to think
really hard, and then she basically said that nothing really bothered her all
that much even though the examples she listed could have easily made a “What
NOT to Say to Big Families” list. It wasn’t because the comments couldn’t be
seen as offensive, it was because she was simply not offended by them. She was
able to quickly and without reservation extend grace to people who made
comments about her family without much thought at all.
In our country and world right now there are race issues,
sexuality issues, gender issues…lots of issues actually that don’t seem to be
getting better. In our quest for equality we are doing a lot of teaching, rule-making,
and educating. We keep thinking “if they could only understand better, think
more like me, see my side, they would be able to see how we can fix it”. So we
talk, and write, and comment. But do you know what most of us are not doing? Actually embracing each other.
Let’s say you go out on a date with someone, and before you
sit down to talk they hand you a list of rules of things you can and cannot say
to them. Some of them seem obvious, but others you sort of don’t understand and
you may have said to other people before. What if you forget? What will they
do? You really like them but now you are afraid, afraid to offend, afraid to
seem like an idiot. Did that person build a bridge between you or create a
boundary of fear and expectations?
The first step to understanding ANYONE is to accept their perceived
weirdness and their uniqueness and start a relationship. About a year and a
half ago I joined a church with a large Korean-American population. At first it
was hard for me to form relationships with people because I walked around
censoring my every word. I was terrified to offend people by asking them where
they were from (what if they were born in
the US and they think I’m asking if they were born in Korea?? What if that is
offensive and I don’t know it? Should I bow back or what?), or what
languages they speak, or what kind of food they liked. So I mostly kept my
distance and asked super safe questions, until I began to work at the church
and knew that I needed to step outside of my comfort zone. By that point our
church had become even more multi-ethnic, full of diversity of race, income,
upbringing, and culture. If you think it’s easy to throw a bunch of people
together who on the surface have nothing in common, well, it isn’t. But we have
worked hard as a community to get messy, talk about the hard stuff, acknowledge
our differences, and form real and lasting relationships. I hope I never come
across an article called “What NOT to Say to Korean-Americans” because I am
positive that I would have said everything on the list in the past year. But do
you know what we have in our little community that makes it safe? That makes
our blunders and missteps ok? We have relationships. We have true, real love from God that helps
us to not see so much with our own judging eyes, with our lists of expectations
that come from each of our cultures and backgrounds (how could we EVER meet all
of those different expectations?), but with God’s vision that sees everyone as
precious. Love, Jesus’ deep and agape love that lives in our hearts, is just
not easily offended. It just isn’t. It can’t
be.
Sometimes people are so crazy and rude that it is really
hard to see them other than really crazy and rude. But if we let ourselves be
the manners police of our culture, censoring and correcting and creating lists
and rules and expectations, then what we are doing is molding others to our own likeness. What we are saying is: my
feelings are more important than our potential relationship. My culture and my
background tells me that what you are doing is insensitive, regardless of what
your culture and your background tells you. How can we ever create relationships
and start bridging these deep, painful chasms in our culture if we are holding
people to the standards of our opinions?
Understanding does not come from saying the right things in a conversation, it
comes from feeling freedom and acceptance and grace. We are never going to
reconcile with each other if we are a culture where we are afraid to help
people, afraid to start a conversation, afraid to say something because of a
fear to offend. We can turn it around, we can change the way we are, but it can
only come from completely dropping our expectations, ripping up our lists, and
accepting people as who they are: parts and pieces of a family we don’t know, a
background we don’t know, a list of hurts we don’t know, influences we don’t
know, experiences we don’t know, a whole life that we just don’t know. But we
CAN know them. That person who offended you can become your friend. All it
takes is intentional grace and real, accepting love.
Tear up the list. Be bold. Get messy. Love courageously.
