For the first-time, first-year mamas: A little bit of truth

None of your mom friends wanted to tell you the hard truth about the first year while you were pregnant. You were so adorable and full of optimism and ideals that we just couldn’t bring ourselves to even begin to warn you about what you had ahead. Plus, we know that you wouldn’t be able to understand what we were talking about until you lived it yourself, so why even try? It also would be sort of mean: Oh, you’re a month away from your due date! Well, let me tell you how much this is going to suck. Plus, maybe your story would be different. Maybe you would be one of the lucky ones and your baby would sleep and eat like a charm, and not be a crier. Those babies exist (I think), but usually they aren’t the firstborn it seems, and we don’t really believe those stories anyway.

But now, it’s time for some truth. Bad days happen and when they happen, you may feel bad about how you feel. Well, don’t worry. We’ve all been there before.

The goal of writing this is so you know that we know how you feel. Sometimes it’s hard to say these things out loud, but they are just truths. We know you don’t want to complain, but we won’t judge you if you do. So, have some peace in knowing that you aren’t alone. You never have been.

Also, this list is compiled from my experience of my first year at home, and I had twins. My life was CRAZY sometimes, and you may not be able to relate to any of this. Your baby may be perfect and calm and awesome and take long naps and eat well and be happy to play by itself and love tummy time. If so, knock on every wooden surface you can find and pray prayers of thanksgiving to Jesus and say a dozen Hail Marys, and throw in a rain dance or something for good measure.

1. “OH MY GOD THIS IS HARD. Just kidding, it’s easy! NEVER MIND, IT’S HARD AGAIN SAVE ME!!!!!!!!”- Has there ever been a roller coaster ride like mothering a baby for the first time? One day everything is smiles and coos and perfect feedings and naps, and you. are. the best mom ever. You know it in your bones, “I was MADE for this. I knew I would be awesome!” And then the next day the poop hits the fan (hopefully not literally) and you sink into a hole of self-doubt and ask yourself some scary questions, like “Why did we do this?” “Maybe I should have chosen adoption” “How did I think I was cut out for this?” But then, the next day you’re back on top of the world. Or, rather, the laundry pile. This all just comes with the territory.

2. Your temper may scare you- You think you’re chill and under control? Have a baby or two, and you’ll learn A LOT about how you really handle stress. You might yell or scream or throw stuff (hopefully not your baby, and hopefully nothing at your baby) and think where did this rage come from? How am I so out of control? Patience in not a gift, nor is something you just pick up and put on like your favorite sweatshirt with baby spit-up on the shoulder. Patience is an art form. Patience requires careful practice, determination to not quit when you mess up, and a realization that you will get better at it over time. First year art students don’t expect themselves to be creating masterpieces right away, they know that they have a lot of practicing to do to get there. So do you with your patience. I’m assuming we’re going to need all of this practice for the teenage years.

3. Sometimes, you may just want it all to stop- I remember thinking, a whole bunch of times, that I wanted time to stop around me for a day or two. I wanted to be able to sleep, or read a book, or just let my stress drip away slowly rather than having to conquer it and I didn’t want to have to arrange for a babysitter to do this. Because then there would be bottles to prepare and a schedule to write out and money to exchange hands and worry to consume my mind the whole time I was gone. I needed a break from the noise, the thinking ahead, the being “on” all of the time, the 45 second showers during naptime, and the crying. OH, the crying. I had two babies at once so I got an extra special dose of baby tears during my first year, but still, nothing puts a mom over the edge like crying. Is it just me or can a dad more easily say to himself: this is just an annoying noise that at some point will stop. But it seems like a mom is more likely to go through this:

- Oh NO! Baby is crying! Something is wrong!

- I checked everything, and nothing seems wrong! It’s something secret that I can’t figure out!

- I’m terrible! Why can’t I stop this! Why am I not good enough for you? I’m a  faiiiiiluuuuuuuure!!!! (she may or may not start crying along with baby at this point)

- Dear Jesus, I will do pretty much anything in exchange for the baby to stop crying. I’ll stop eating donuts and watching reality tv and WHATEVER YOU WANT

And eventually you may get to this point:

- All right kid. You’re gonna need to stop that right now. SOMEONE FIND ME THE PACIFIER ALREADY.

4- You will discover that mama love for her baby…hurts- It hurts because you weep for joy over that little face, and you weep for sorrow that one day it will leave you. You weep because you can’t believe this blessing is yours. You weep for the mamas who lose their babies. You weep for the babies who lose their mamas. You weep over the smiles that you know are meant just for you. You weep because you are their everything. You weep because sometimes, they are your everything. You weep when you watch CSI and there was a baby or child in danger. Your heart sometimes wants to explode with love at the weirdest moments, like when they’re just sitting in your lap and you feel their downy hair on your cheek. It’s all lovely and painful and you realize that you will never, ever look at the world (or yourself) in the same way. You are broken now, because you know that you would do anything, at any moment, for that baby. You have a weakness, an Achilles heal if you will. You would kill for that baby. And, without question, you would die for it.

5- You sometimes feel all alone- No one can feel what you feel, no one can understand how frustrating your day was (unless they are a mama going through exactly what you’re going through right now). Because just like childbirth, it’s easy to forget how hard the first year was. As soon as you try to put into words what you’re dealing with you realize it doesn’t sound hard at all. So the baby skipped his nap, so what? To your mom or your partner it just doesn’t sound like a big deal, but they can understand that it must have been a little frustrating. But to you, this may have been what you were looking forward to for HOURS to climb back from the edge of sanity. You needed it so much, and without a little break you may just completely lose it. You may have been planning on showering for the first time in days, or sitting down and responding to some emails (finally!), or just closing your eyes and laying on your couch in quiet, and letting that quiet travel through your bones and calm your nerves and remind you who you are. You are a mama who loves her baby so much, you are you, not a crazy person who minutes before may have briefly considered jumping in the car and running away from this crazy day.

But, hey, here’s Truth #6- You are a person doing an INCREDIBLY important thing.

And an incredibly difficult thing, at times.

And all of us mamas who were recently in your shoes, we applaud you. We know what you’re going through, and we are proud of you. Sometimes you can’t believe how awesome life is and lucky you are, and sometimes you can hardly put one foot in front of the other to trudge on until bedtime. Even though our kids may be older than yours and life is easier in a lot of ways, we still sometimes feel that way. All of us, working moms and stay at home moms, (and dads too!) we are just all working so hard to raise happy, lovely little people to grow up to bless each other and to create a world more full of love and joy. So, go us J