Goodbye, PumpMonster

  Hey PumpMonster. Well, it's your very last day with me. I haven't used you in a few days and I know that I won't need you again, probably ever. It's been a long road for you and me, with quite a few bumps. I guess our friendship, or maybe I should say partnership, started three years ago a few days after I brought my girls home from the hospital. I was a new mom with two babies to feed, and I was nervous. They were so tiny, only five pounds, and I really wanted to provide all the milk they needed. So you helped me. I filled up my freezer, and for eleven months you helped me feed them. Sometimes I felt like I was tied to you with a ball and chain, and I wanted to stop using you but I felt bad about not giving my babies milk that was there for the taking. So, I appreciate it. But man, I was glad when I finally made the decision to let you go into the closet for a while. You were definitely not one of my most favorite machines. I'd give that award to Coffee Maker any day.

 

 

 So then, about 15 or 16 months later, I needed you again. I had told everyone within earshot that there was NO WAY I was going to pump when Jude was born. If he couldn't get it from the tap himself, he wasn't going to get it. But, duh, I was going to have a really hard time stopping at only three months after making it almost a year with the girls. So I brought you back out and we started hanging out again. Six times a day. For seven more months. And I decided to like you a teensy bit. And we hung out first thing in the morning and last thing before I went to sleep. And I was thankful. So you're not so bad I guess, but you're still a monster and I'm still really glad that you're retiring.

 

I hope you liked your retirement party. I made you a card and everything, but I'm pretty sure you can't read, so I read it aloud to you. It contained this poem:

Swooshee shwooshee

you talk to me

late at night

while I pump

Are you saying "Kelly clarkson"

Or "I like grass"?

I wish I knew

 

I made you an ice cream sandwich. Just kidding, I bought it. It was a store brand. On sale. I don't want you thinking I really like you or something just in case you try to voodoo magic me into getting pregnant again just so that I can pull you out of the closet.  Maybe I can find you someone else who needs you. Anyway I thought you looked excited about the sandwich but your skinny tubing arms were too weak to pick it up I guess so I fed it to you. Honestly it was a little weird, but I would have gotten mad if you had let it melt all over the place.  

 

 

 Later on after a few glasses of wine we started really talking and you told some hilarious stories about some stuff that I can't really remember. There are pictures though, and I'm laughing in most of them. You look the same. I guess I could be laughing at myself just sort of near you. But as I wrapped up your cords and zipped you up to put you away, I felt like in some odd way we had become friends.

Thanks for all your help, PumpMonster. Now it's time for you to move to Florida and watch all those Matlock episodes on your dvr.

You could be sleeping for all I know.