Who's the Boss??

This afternoon while the baby was asleep and Chad had taken the girls to the park I picked up a copy of an old James Dobson parenting book called Parenting Isn’t for Cowards that had been given to us by either my mother or Chad’s a few years ago. I read the whole thing. Maybe I was hoping that what I would glean is that I’m not doing a terrible job at this parenting thing after all. Maybe I was hoping that I would get just one tiny little piece of advice about what to do when my toddlers are being, well, toddlers. And if I didn’t get any reassurance or valuable advice, I was hoping to get a really terribly old-fashioned piece of advice (from what I gather is a pretty old-fashioned dude) that I could tear apart for a great blog post. I may have been looking for a fight and some reassurance all at the same time, but instead I found a bunch of generic advice and excerpts of letters that had been written to him, and sadly nothing too salacious that I could write a scathing blog post about. It seemed like a half-hearted effort, more of a “Well, people buy my books. Can I repeat myself in a different enough way that people will buy another one that says all the same stuff?”

 But besides there being very little real advice, there was a general tone that didn’t feel right to me: the idea that grabbing the reigns of total parenting authority from day one will help ensure smooth sailing during the more turbulent years of parenting. There was a feeling of “If you don’t show them who’s boss right now and all of the time, they will decide that they are in charge and ruin your life and dye their hair green and drop acid”. That was almost a direct quote. But is this true? There is some pretty strong evidence that kids function better with clear and strong boundaries in their lives because it makes them feel safe. But what does that mean in my day-to-day life parenting two toddlers (and a baby?). Does this mean that whenever they say “No!” that I give them “a few sharp slaps on the legs”? (That one WAS a direct quote, p.67) Is this actually how I’m going to help my children to feel safe? This is how I’m going to assure my toddlers not to worry, mommy’s in control?  By being strict, unwavering, and sticking to my ideals more than listening instinctually to their needs?

And this is where I start to scratch my head. “Come here kid, I’m going to hit you. But I love you. I don’t want to do this but it’s for your own good.” I’m sorry, but I DON’T GET IT. The few times I have spanked my girls it did absolutely nothing but make them afraid of me. Is this how I’m sending the message that I’m in charge? Respect me or I’ll hit you? I just don’t know. Sure, I’m only 2 and a half years into this parenting thing, and most of the time I’ll admit that I’m flying by the seat of my stretchy pajama pants. But no matter how many times I am told by well-meaning people that I need to be more strict, that I need to spank, that I need to be firm and NO MATTER WHAT follow through with any and all threats…I just can’t do it. Dobson would call me a wimp, I’m sure, but maybe it’s because the alternative that he offers is more about strictly controlling than gently guiding, and which sounds better?

I think that the whole idea of the parent always being in charge is a bit of a farce, anyway. Well, at least around here it is. Let’s say, hypothetically, that things were getting really loud and crazy in our house. There may or may not be yelling involved…hypothetically. So, the hypothetical neighbors decide to call the police on this hypothetical situation, and when they arrive at the house they knock on the door. A frazzled woman in stretchy pajama pants answers the door. “Hello ma’am,” the handsome police officer begins , “Are you in charge here?” And she just laughs and laughs and laughs, and her hysterical laughing turns into weeping and she curls up into a ball and accidentally falls asleep on her doormat. She’s not in charge. She knows she’s not in charge and that’s what is so terribly funny and terribly terrible all at the same time. When you’ve finally found ten minutes to go poop for the first time in three days and your toddler barges in and absolutely refuses to leave, you can safely conclude that you are not in charge. You’re taller than everyone else in your house so it seems like you should hold the power, but really…come on. Let’s not kid ourselves. The other night after we “put the kids to bed” we paused our episode of Battlestar Galactica no less than nine times in the first 15 minutes of the show to go deal with the little ones. We could be strict, we could spank them when they call us to come into the room repeatedly, we could just let them cry… but we can’t. We just can’t do it. Maybe I am setting myself up to be walked all over, maybe they’re going to “dye their hair green and drop acid”. Green hair is pretty ugly. But what if maybe, just maybe, our more “gentle” attempts at parenting are going to pay off positively? What if they will be more likely to come to us with a problem? What if they will be more honest? What if they will trust us more than if we had spent their younger years fighting for total control? What if this actually “works”? What if I’m not wrong on this one?

What if…

trusting my instincts isn’t such a terrible idea?

So, how about this- what if before we consulted the “experts” we had a real heart-to-heart with ourselves? Regardless of what your Grandma did, or what your parents did, or what your pastor says (“Spare the rod and spoil the child!”), what your best friend does, let’s decide to not ever parent against our better instincts. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it, because it doesn’t feel right for a reason, and it’s a slippery slope to begin to question your feelings about how to care for those precious gifts that you have been given. Just like I did with those maddening baby sleep books, I’m going to stop looking for answers from people who have never even met my kids. I was not only given my children, I was given the tools to care for them by their Creator. He formed their crazy little personalities, their hearts, their attitudes, their glorious imaginations, and their beautiful spirits. My guidebooks are my heart and the whisperings of the Holy Spirit who gently guide me on this bizarre and beautiful journey, and help me to hear the music in the madness.